Will I be a cool Grand Mom? Will my kids Travel the world? Will I have a beautiful huge Yacht standing in the turquoise waters of Santorini, Greece?
Listening to Gasoline and Matches | Date: 7th Jan 10.05 pm, as I sit in front of the TV geared up to open the laptop again after an exhausting work day, I sit to wonder what am I doing, what am I doing right now, what all did I do today, how will my day be structured tomorrow and eventually how will my life turn out? I should be writing a blog on my last trip (the ideal scenario), after all travel is what my blog is about. I do have its structure ready with all the facts and figures in place, but I don’t think it’s in the right shape yet to be posted up for everyone’s read. So my Hong Kong Trip details will be a bit delayed. Or, I might end up deleting it which depends upon how I feel about it in the next read.
From the movie ‘You’ve got Mail’:: Kathleen Kelly: [writing to “NY152”] Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life – well, valuable, but small – and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven’t been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn’t it be the other way around? I don’t really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.
A week back, I decided to move back home. It’s a brave enough decision considering the fact that it includes around 100kms of daily drive through the back breaking and digestion screwing traffic. But I got to do it, if not for me, for my family, my single mum and the little mental peace that I have left. She’s done the world for us kids, she struggled with us, lived and made us worthy of a comfortable life that we are leading right now.
On an unrelated note: My brother has got a fab opportunity in biotechnology product management in Munich, Germany after 3 years of rigorous hard work, studies, making his way through in the foreign land. But the thing that makes us happy is his words that, that’s what he wished for. On him getting a job, I am happy for me as well as. It will be much easier for us to materialize our long trips and drives across Europe. “Grinning!”
Am I happy with what I am doing? To great extent I am, I mean there is a use of brain and whatever little appreciation that I get from clients does keep me hooked and in the groove. Well! Most of the time it does and I know my career is in a decent shape. And it is what matters most right now. But I am still thinking, if not this then what?
Couple of days back my brother asked for some photography tips. He’s decided to learn something new after being regular with many things including the Yoga asans, German language degree just to name a few.
He asked me a simple question, why did I leave photography? It didn’t perturb me one bit. I have been asked question number of times before and I always shrug it off by saying ‘Been there, done that!’. But that’s not completely true. I mean whom am I kidding? I loved it and I think I was decently good at it. I had the drive and looked upto Lara Jade for her works. What’s even interesting is that after moving to US, I had started making money of the freelancing assignments that I did; model look books and portfolios. I would spend hours shooting and then hours editing the pictures, without keeping a check on night or day. 18 – 19 hours would pass in a blink and would never tire me off.
However, what left me perturbed and thinking was his statement: “Tune wahi cheez karni chodh di jo tujhe sabse jyada pasand thi. Kyun?” ’You left the thing you were most passionate about. Why?
Now that’s something no one has ever asked me before.
Why did I stop clicking pictures? I don’t know and don’t have any justifiable reason for it. All I know is:
Nobody leaves their passion unless something truly life turning happens that forces a change in the course of your direction.
I do, however, know exactly where the ball got dropped. I was 23 or so, going through a hell lot for any 23year old to handle. At that point in time photographs creation somehow was left behind in the due course. I wanted to be strong, appear strong in front of the entire world and photography didn’t seem like a strong statement to prove anything to anyone.I know I was weak to give it up!
In this entire process I agreed to prove my worth in the language that people around me understood the best without much effort. I took up a 9 – 5 job in a rather nascent industry of Digital Marketing that placed me at par with many of the fresh graduates from ivy league schools of Harvard and Stanford and promised me a beefy check. My incentives were that it would not let my math skills rust, was fast paced, evolving and will distract me from everything else. And it did that fantastically! Freaking super Thanks to it!
So where does the photography stand in the picture? It’s an old flame, something that got ignored while I was busy making myself a cozy corporate chair. It’s an old flame that might flicker anytime. It’s an old flame that I miss it like hell. It’s an old flame that might insist on me to dust off my old camera.
Meanwhile my love for Travel and Technology is keeping me good company and I am trying to justify my (lame) life and 100 kms. daily drives by spending a couple of hours every day with my aging mom.